Dear Doc,

Well, I must be doing something right. Because I've lost five pounds.

I know that isn't much to some people, but for me it's a minor miracle. Particularly since I've spent the last week starving not with physical hunger, but an emotional hunger spawned from stress, depression, who-knows-what-else. And I've been trying to feed that hunger with foods that were absolutely not good for me. I knew it wouldn't help, and it didn't. But I couldn't seem to stop myself.

So when I stepped on the scale the other day and realized that I must have done something right along the way, my inspiration was back. Since then I have cheerfully passed up things like you wouldn't believe, and when I've said, "No thanks, I don't want any pie/cake/chocolate, etc." I actually meant it. Because I don't want to rediscover even a half ounce from that hard-won five-pound loss. Five pounds, you must be gone forever.

And then... tonight happened.

I have been feeling exhausted lately. Not in a "I'm tired,  I need a second cup of coffee," way, but in a "I can't possibly get out of bed because that will take all the energy I have" sort of way.  It's frustrating when you want to accomplish things, and you just simply can't. It's got absolutely nothing to do with laziness, believe me.

Simply put, chronic illness is a bitch.

And tonight, I had about a million things to do because I've been putting off the things I haven't been able to do. Feeling overwhelmed, my mind turned to ice cream.

No, not just ice cream. A root beer float. With extra "float."

So I went to Culver's in between errands. And I ordered a large diet root beer (I've been told by a reliable source that Culver's and A & W root beer is the same) and a cup of whipped cream.

The girl at the window only gave me a little bit of an odd look as she passed over my cup of whip.

Whipped cream, I think, is my new favorite thing. It has very few calories, very few carbs, and if you have a good imagination it can pass for the creaminess of ice cream.

(Yes, I know. It has chemicals and no nutritional value. I would like to say I care, but right now... I just really don't.)

So, if you see a woman walking around Target, crushing several cans of whipped cream to her bosoms and cackling maniacally... Don't be alarmed. It's just me, trying to turn that five-pound loss into ten.

Your whipped patient,

Heather

Dear Doc,

This weekend was the 4th of July.

These are the things I didn't eat:
Cookies (which I might add, were adorable with their red,white and blue frosting and coordinating sprinkles).
Buns. (That's right, I was that weirdo eating hot dogs without their buns.)
Bread. (See above.)

These are the things I did eat:
Vegetables.
Fruit.
Pulled pork.
A hot dog.
One itty bitty sliver of cake.
A few (FEW!!!) strawberries dipped in chocolate. (So, that's a total of what... a third of Hershey bar, maybe?)

So, I thought I did pretty good. In fact, I was so virtuous I patted myself on the back. A lot.

Also, I walked. A lot.

So, I thought I'd step on the scale for a little encouragement.

And discovered I weigh exactly the same as I did three weeks ago.

And may I just say, this sucks.

I know that I have all these things stacked against me. PCOS, diabetes, wonky thyroid... yeah, yeah, yeah. But seriously, after three weeks of this, couldn't my body have given up a lousy pound or two?

I just remembered why I give up on every weight loss plan I try. Because of *this*.  Because while the rest of the world, it seems, goes through their "rapid weight loss period," I've apparently gone straight to the plateau phase. Except that... oh, yeah.... I haven't lost any damn weight.

It sucks. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I just don't have anything else to say.

Your very discouraged patient,

Heather

As big as a horse's leg

Dr. Doc,

So, you know those supplements you recommend we take?

I have questions about them.

The Chromium Picolinate? What in the heck is that? And where does one find this in nature?
And more importantly, is it made from real piccolos?

The "Women's Ultra Mega" multivitamin. The bottle says it supports healthy hair, skin and nails. I want you to know that I expect to have flowing, glossy hair by the time I reach the end of this bottle. And if my nails could actually grow past my fingertip without splintering in three places, that'd be great, too. Yep, I've got some high hopes for these. Oh, and they have folic acid and all those B vitamins. Those are great, too. (Although to be honest, I'm really hoping for better hair and nails.)

The D-3. I can feel my bones getting stronger. Okay, no, I can't. But is this like sunshine in pill form? Because I swear, I'm feeling a little more perky these days. And heaven knows I don't see much sunlight, because let's be honest. I'm a writer. We don't go out during the day.

The Triple Strength Fish Oil. You're right, it doesn't taste like anything. And I have even avoided that horrible phenomenon you mentioned as "fish burps." (The gal at GNC said if I put them in the freezer and swallow them frozen, the fish burps will be avoided because the pill will be past the stomach by the time it thaws. TMI, if you ask me.)

But... those fish oil pills. You've heard of the expression "horse pills?" These are beyond "as big as a horse's leg." Because that is obviously an exaggeration. This, however is not: the fish oil pills are the size of my mom's kitten's front leg. I am not even kidding. If I can aim them like torpedoes, and they go down my throat the long way, I can get them down with only a few panicked seconds of "I'm going to throw up, I'm going to throw up." But if they go sideways? I am pretty sure they could cut off my air supply.

Death by fish oil. That's something I think I'd like to avoid.

Your "I have an overactive gag reflex" patient,

Heather